This has been a really really rough week for me. I've started writing, then I deleted everything... just to start over and delete all over again. I wanted to make this blog post really special. Finding the words and photos to do so is proving to be too difficult right now. So, I'm going to make the special post at a later date, when I'm ready.
I lost my cat this week.
He wasn't just my cat though. He was the love of my life. My 18 year old baby boy... I always referred to him as my son, my child, love of my life, bestie, most handsome boy in the world- list goes on. He was my actual baby. B.J. (Buford Junior) entered my life on my 8th birthday, as a gift from my parents. I smothered him with so much love from the moment I laid eyes on him, and he smothered me just the same.
I have always been obsessed with kitties. My first obsession began with my first cat, Buford Sr., a very fat white cat (won second place at a fat cat contest held at The Bay). I thought he was my best friend, so when he died at 12 years old, I had little melt down. My parents thought the way to mend my broken heart was to get another kitty. Which is where B.J. came in. We went to look at kittens, and as soon as i saw him, there was no hesitation. I passed up the black, orange, calico kittens. I needed him. He was mostly white with a some black spots- I wanted him to be white like my first cat.
That's how we met. I needed and love him instantly. Funny how we can get so attached to little furballs so quickly and intensely. Some people don't understand the deep bond that can form with pets.... that's okay, people can think I am crazy. He was my world for many, many years though.
B. J. turned 18 in June, and his health began deteriorating earlier that year. In his younger years, he was once a very mobile, energized, agile cat that we referred to as, "The Boss of the Block". He was able to kick the butts of pesky neighbourhood cats. He used to jump into bed at night to snuggle, and was able to get into butter on the counter tops- I recognized this past year that my big softy was now gradually slowing down. He was eating less, and got quite thin. His bones jutted out so much I wondered if it hurt him to lay the way we used to on the couch for naps.
Monday night, I had a feeling in my gut that I needed to go home. I cut my cardio short (did 8 mins) and got home promptly to find a very tired boy. I ran an errand and came home to find him hiding under the bed. I picked him up, and he didn't look himself. I instantly felt panicked. He was very weak. He couldn't stand, his head was a little wobbly, and all he could do was lay down. I knew in this moment that I was losing him. I held him for a few hours, trying to comfort him. He wasn't getting better, he was worse. We have had hundreds of sleepovers, but our final sleepover was Monday night.
I held him all night long, I didn't let go of him for a even a moment. I guess I did in fact doze off for a few minutes that night, as I was woken at 6:30am to B.J. gasping for air. That was by far one of the hardest nights of my life so far. The hour that followed 6:30am, was the hardest hour. I won't go into detail. He struggled for over an hour, he couldn't quite fully let go. But the very moment I stepped out of my house and got into the car to take him to the vet, he took his final breath and died in my arms. Adele, Someone Like You was playing. Pure torture... yet I left it playing.
I returned to a house with all of my baby's things scattered around in their usual spots. His cat tent was still set up in the basement. His cat bed still was still in the living room next to the fire place and t.v.. His favourite blue brush sat next to his bed. His cutesy food and water dishes were still full. Both his litter boxes full.
Memories that I hadn't thought of in years rushed through me throughout the day. As i opened the backdoor I recalled countless days when i chased him when he was a kitten when he would sneak out of the house. I had to crawl under my neighbours deck every time to capture him. So many memory triggers this week.
That's all i have in me right now...... My nice, "special" post will come in time- with beautiful pics that I have captured over the years of my beautiful little B.J., the coolest, most loyal and lovable cat in the whole world.
Jeeeez.... I am so effing sad without him.
B..J. (Buford Junior) Adams • June 17, 1993- November 8, 2011
I love and miss you every day...
just a little ball of emotions now... bed time.
xobeeej
Generally speaking, when I have a ton of homework to do I occasionally
tend to binge on junk food for one night as both a reward for the work I'm
about to accomplish, and for the sugar filled energy rush that consumes my
body.
A few weeks ago, I went on a serious mission to find my new fave
candies!
I went to 7-11, Co-Op, Mac's, Shopper's and Wal-Mart (All within 15mins) to find this sweet treat that I often desire. It was
nowhere to be found. Disappointed, I settled on Sour Patch Kids and PB
M&M's.
I walked through the entrance of our school Monday morning– and there
they were. I squealed as the bright packaging caught my eye. Made my day.
Jolly Rancher Awesome Twosome's in Blue Raspberry Lemonade and Mango Strawberry is the package that I prefer to buy. You get two delicious flavours in one bite. The inside is sort of like a paste, similar consistency to Starburst. The outside shell is a little chewier, and is topped with sugar. Yum!
