Today you will be my diary...

Wow... Last night I became the girl I never thought I'd be. I actually allowed myself to shed a tear or ten over the silliest thing.

I realize that my life and behaviour has changed in a number of ways since school began in September. Some of these things were beyond my control, some could have been handled differently, and some things I am flat out not so proud of. There are some days I feel like I feel like I am barely hanging on by a thread.

For example, some of my friends haven't always been the most understanding to the demands of this program. I can only hope that once things slow down, they can forgive me for being a little MIA at times. I've felt spread a little thin, but seven classes, plus work, and homework will do that... please get ready to enjoy the summer months with me as I will be able to breathe again. Huge kudos to those who have stood by me through thick and thin it means the world to me. When I have ignored messages and calls while working on late night assignments I didn't do this because I don't love u.... but rather, I saved you from a horrible conversation filled with stress and possible tears, while I tried to remain focused on my task at hand. This is quite possibly considered selfish, and I fully owe many an apology.

One thing I have come to realize is that although I consider myself an incredibly patient and mostly laid-back person, I think that school stress has brought some less than desirable qualities in me at times.  There are days when I come become intolerant, and even at times uptight. You can ask Nick Cringan, my wonderful boyfriend who has put up with my crazy antics on and off since school began. In looking back at last night, and all the other nights this year, I've kinda taken on the persona of a crazy person with my loved ones. Never at school or with my peers, but with the ones who mean the most. I've been short, impatient, and can hardly ever take a joke. Like I said- intolerant. It's an ugly and embarrassing thing to realize, but I have. I've been on edge, and have learned that I haven't been dealing with stress very well. There have been moments when I haven't quite been able to even recognize the girl that appears before me in the mirror. It's been a little scary.

I have always been proud of how loving, compassionate and kind I am. I've never taken myself too seriously, and have considered myself to be rather silly. I began my post secondary journey with the intent to become a teacher because I wanted to share my big, patient heart with little people that were just beginning to pave their way through this big world. So, to reflect on my behaviour lately....... I think I've slipped off this path a bit. I've been a bit of a monster to those around me. I think I owe a few people a million hugs and kisses, maybe some candy, and definitely my word that normal Tamara will be back for good.

This leads me to my tears last night... I can't solely blame my crazy antics on school. Since the age of five, I have been highly active. If my time wasn't consumed playing sports, I'd be running and hitting the gym in its offseason. Throughout university I still played soccer year round,  still had time on spares, or after school to workout because I would only be in 3-4 classes at a time and found the workload manageable. Since school began, I've found it next to impossible to manage balancing the gym regularly into my schedule. I know that I am a petite girl, but my body feels like it hasn't been taken care of. Last night I started crying after realizing how awful and unhealthy I felt.

I am not that girl.

I went for a long walk to clear my head. I feel embarrassed for behaving that way. In moving forward, I know I need to do something about this. I need to make a point of maintaining time for some sort of regular physical activity into my schedule. I am so much happier and relaxed when I am active, and I know that since it's been lacking– it's been contributing to my foul mood. I will treat activity like work, something I just have to make time for. I will also continue to make more time for my buddies.

I'm sure fellow CreComm's can relate to at least part of this post. They say that once you write things down, you're more likely to see change occur.  There will no longer be an awful stressed out Tamara, I am promising today to deal with my stress more efficiently. Mountains out of mole hills– be gone! I won't travel to Snap Town at the drop of a hat, and I will learn to laugh at myself again. No need to take life so seriously. Life is great, life is fun.... things will always fall into place. I have wonderful people in my life and I have plenty to smile and laugh about.

Nothing like a Tuesday morning self reflection. Sorry for the rant. Feels good to get it out. Sorry to those who have witnessed my craziness even if you didn't get the brunt of it.

Thank you to my dearest of friends, my amazing boyfriend, and my patient family for always putting up with me. I don't mean for you to be on eggshells, and I know that I haven't been myself. Love you.

Gym time.

Much Love.